[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
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My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit