I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
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Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.