A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
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My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.