DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
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I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.