You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
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Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Anime is real
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?