Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
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Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.