Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
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I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.