Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
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Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree