*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
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I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Covid like
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out