[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
You Might Also Like
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.