[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
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Salad is the decaf of food.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
These 3D printers are insane!
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*