[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
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Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.