9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
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ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
no regrets
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.