If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
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[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
That de-escalated quickly
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.