I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
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I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?