THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
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Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.