Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
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Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.