Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
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I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.