Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
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FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back