Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.