If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
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An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Oh my god
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Try and stop me.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH