@rolldiggity: Decades of video games have left me WAY too confident in my ability to break open a wooden crate.
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@Kimpulses: A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
@samsara668: They say I can take the catheter out next week. And no, I'll never piss on an electric fence again
@OhNoSheTwitnt: I've been clicking "remind me later" on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I'm not interested?
@kumailn: "Give your email a good password. Letters, symbols, numbers." "What about my atm card which holds all my money?" "Any 4 numbers in a row."