People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
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Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.