If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
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If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
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Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
secret recipe
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
LOOOOOOL
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.