@TheMichaelRock: December 23rd should be called Christmas Adam since it always comes before Christmas Eve.
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@5exyunchained: A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she's homeless.
@flashember: You've reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message. "Hi it's the library. The book 'How to Steal Library Books' is now 1 week over...UH OH"
@thepunningman: Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash. [Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
@ShittyComedian: So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn't Santa. LOL drugs.