I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
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Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.