@KentWGraham: Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
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@shawnspree: Friend: How many calories does heartache burn? Me: Depends on how many calories are in the person you are setting on fire.
@kelkulus: They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
@Playing_Dad: Welcome to passive aggressive club. We're so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we'll wait.