@KentWGraham: Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
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@stephenjmolloy: Mafia boss: "So, did you do it? Is he dead?" Me, suddenly realising what it means to 'take somebody out': "Oh, err..."
@TheTweetOfGod: I've said it before and I'll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
@Eightinchgoat: Some dude just asked if I was "herb friendly". I told him I like basil and dill and he walked off. Guess he didn't have thyme to discuss it.
@LosLos__: My Wife's nickname for me is "Microsoft" because I'm good with computers. RIGHT HONEY? Hold on guys, she's not done laughing.