Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
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So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect