Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
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I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.