Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
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My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows