@VintageBabe1212: Decided to stop partying at friends houses who have toddlers... Those childproof bathroom doorknobs are absolutely hell to open while drunk.
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@LackOfShame: Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn't really think your choice was excellent.
@shkeeber: You never get a second chance to make a first impression. Unless you work in the alzheimer's wing of a nursing home, then you get lots.
@Breadery: My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with "LOL" is "a representation of everything that is wrong with me."
@goodhairperson: Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.