Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
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I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
This meal prepping shit easy
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.