I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
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Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Me trying to “trust the process”
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
need him
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship