*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
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When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
“you recording!?”
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
his wife is probably gonna see that
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza