*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
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Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Does beer think about me too?
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
North and South
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.