Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
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My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I hope it’s French Onion!
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.