It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
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DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say