“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
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What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.