Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
You Might Also Like
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Well, that didn’t work.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.