Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
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Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
All. The. Damn. Time.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
What the hell happened in there??
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.