Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
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I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
This came to me in a dream.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.