Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
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“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
where the womens at?
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.