*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
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11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.