Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
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First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
[montage of me giving-up]
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”