The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
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Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.