Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
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Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
This headline is a thing of beauty
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
classic mixup
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend