Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
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If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Bruh PLEASE
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”