If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread