For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
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Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Happy Thanksgiving
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.