Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
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Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car