Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
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[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
motivation
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Doggies just call it style.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.