Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
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—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.