Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
You Might Also Like
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
For those that worship cheese..
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Always the camel, never the toe.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”