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@msdanifernandez: DEFENSE! DEFENSE!
Defense: I have a boyfriend
@ibid78: Do I have friends? Are we allowed to count the enemies of my enemies? Then yes, I have a bunch of friends.
@sad_tree: She's marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
@squirrel74wkgn: All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator's voice): ...but, then she overheard him talking...and he never did get laid.
@MisterBombay: I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
@ericsshadow: DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what's this for?
ME: it's a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you're still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]